Dudes Giving Other Dudes Awkward Rides

This is like the cover to The Neverending Story except it’s a mouse (not a boy) riding a frog (not a flying dog), and it’s not gay as shit.

Also, this story isn’t neverending. Mouse falls off frog, frog eats mouse. The End.

You will carry your first man within 3 years. Okay, I’m gonna repeat that. You will carry a man within three years of your first day of employment. There’s no question as to whether you will hump, in the fully G-rated sense of the word, a full-grown man, or pre-pubescent teen across some distance. The only question is, how great the distance, and how awkward it will be for him / you / his family / et al.

You think I’m joking. I am not joking. I’ve humped a man. It’s a weird thing to hear, right? Lemme tell ya, its a weird thing to say: I have humped a fucking man. And guess how old I am…27 (okay, 67). You know what that makes me here? A fucking senior citizen. This blog is entirely comprised of people your age, not mine. Lucky for me, I happen to be very fucking good at struggling under the unevenly-distributed weight of some man or another. You guys are the new blood. You are the future swinging dicks of this blog.

Now you all look man-hungry and that’s good. Anybody who tells you that men are the root of all evil, doesn’t fucking have any on his back. They say man-rides are not happiness. Look at the fucking smile on my face! Ear to ear baby! You want details, fine. I give regular rides to boys between the ages of 8 and 12. What’s up?

Addendum: I don’t think I have to tell you what we’re thinking about doing with this carrot. That’s it, I’m done.

If  there were a “I Am Totally Cool Mixing Races”-type Olympics event, I’d place at least. I would hoist this little guy like a winners’ torch. What do you want to do next, honey? Let’s go get some of that…what do you call it, with the beef? Bulgojy? Is that just in Korea? Didn’t your parents have it when we over there for your New Years? And it wasn’t even on January first, I just thought that was wild.

Hey, what do you think they’re doing over there? Is that a chicken fight? What a country. What a way to live!

Man: mmm, I want to wear you like a pretzel.

Dateline’s Chris Hansen: Why don’t you wear me like a pretzel?

Man: What th—? Who are—?

Hansen: Now, just hold on. Is it not true that you said, and I’m quoting: “Your amber hair is like a field in which I will plant my seed”?

Man: That’s…um…

Hansen: “Shower you with seed,” rather. And you talk like this for…I have pages of this. It goes on for pages.

Man: That’s not what I meant…

Hansen: What did you mean?

Man: I…I’ve never done anything like this before. I got confused. I just—

Alright, I know I’ve already made a Chris Hansen-related joke but, you know. He’s doing God’s work. Sorry grandpa/grandson (or, alternately, uncle/nephew, et al.), who are clearly having a consensual good time that doesn’t deserve to be sullied by some dumb joke. I’ll make it up to you somehow.

If this guy has cancer, I’ll feel like an asshole.

Hee hee.